“Why do we fall, Bruce?”

“Why do we fall, Bruce?

So we can learn to pick ourselves up” ~ Batman

Edit: turns out I’ve used this quote before in my blog – oops! Well, why change what’s not broke??

Ah, this is so true. This is how I’ve been feeling about my PhD life. My breakthroughs and revelations come at the end of a long, miserable time. Whilst I’m grateful for the breakthroughs, the falling absolutely sucks.

This past week I’ve just been struggling with my code. In a meeting last week with my supervisor, she gave me until tomorrow to get it working (because I kept insisting I was so close and wanted to get it working) and then she would want an update and use some contacts to find someone who can help with it and/or make a simpler version that functions (but just isn’t as good).

Yesterday was a disaster. You know when the general ‘meh’ and disheartened, restless feeling just bubbles under the surface for a while but you keep pushing on? Yeah, I was feeling like that and then the thing that tipped me over the edge…dropping my porridge on the floor at work. It went EVERYWHERE. All over me, all over the corridor. Nightmare. So I didn’t get my breakfast, my code wasn’t working STILL and for unknown reasons I was getting weird errors on my work computer that I don’t get on my laptop (which I didn’t have with me). Life. It was just one of those days. So, I came home at lunchtime, made myself a mound of pasta and cheese and at a load of chocolate.

I did keep working on my code, but no matter how much progress I made, I was always so close. I reached out to the online community and have got nothing back. Thankfully, I had my last German class so I stopped to go to that and I used my journey there and back to have a long think.

I am not enjoying my PhD at the moment, I’m spending most of my time on this web app, I’m struggling constantly as it’s really not where my skillset lies. I don’t want my PhD to be taken over by this web app. But then, on the other hand I was refusing to do this simpler application. I wanted to work on this more complicated one because I know it’s a better solution and I’ve been working on it for months, through it’s various iterations.

It then hit me. I am in control of what my PhD is. If I don’t want the web app to take over my PhD then >>I<< need to make that decision and take the course of action which means that it won’t. I need to objectively realise what is within my capabilities, achieve that and then draw a line under it and move on.

So, I’ve taken a step back. Realised what is realistic. Sent the essay of an email to my supervisor specifically outlining the options I think are there in terms of the path to take. We’re reaching out, there will be someone who can help me, it’s a fantastic institution after all, it’s just about finding that person.

And just like that a weight was lifted. I still have some work to do on this application, but that is just stripping back what’s already there. Taking out the parts that are being a pain and just tweaking. I am aiming to be done by my meeting on Tuesday, when I intend to show my supervisor what I have.

I am then drawing a line under it and doing other work until such a time that one of the paths for progress is available to me.

I would say this is a milestone in my thinking and approach to my PhD. I can not do everything, that’s not how research works and that’s not how life works. I’m not failing by asking for help, I’m deferring to those with the skills to do it so I can focus on the areas that are developing my skills. Trying to do it all myself is just going to get in the way of me getting anything done.