It’s been a weird few weeks since I send my supervisor my thesis. I’ve found myself with some free time to relax (or at least try!) and have some time to myself. I took a WHOLE WEEK off work right after submission…I read two actually fiction, not related to my work books. I crocheted myself a kindle cover, completed some more of the puzzle I started about 6 months ago and did some baking. Annoyingly though, there was a still a niggling feeling that meant I couldn’t quite fully relax. This felt like more than just my innate inability to relax. Truth be told, I was still worried about my thesis. What if my supervisor didn’t like it? What if she says there’s not enough work there or it isn’t good enough? All of those insecurities presented themselves right when I couldn’t do anything to control the situation.
By the end of the week off, I was ready to get into some work – I was just too restless being stuck in the house with nothing really to do. So, what does a PhD student do when they’ve written their thesis? They write a paper, of course! So that’s been my time really. Thankfully, it’s not as tough as starting from scratch but cutting each of my own words feels like a fresh wound when making a chapter fit into a 3,000 word paper!
It’s actually be kind of relaxing writing because I’ve chosen to and not because I have to. I’m sure that feeling will wear off, but for now I’m going with it. I’ve been having a bit of a break from it over the past few days as I had some changes to make on my thesis before I submit. That was such a relief to have back! Most of the changes were typos/wording changes (I just don’t know how they get through when I’ve proofread so many times….probably the problem….), but some big changes were needed for the discussion part of one of my chapters. Now, it’s a waiting game again until my supervisor approves it and then I’m good to go for submission – yay!
In this sort of lull time, post-thesis writing and pre-viva preparation, I haven’t really been working full days…I feel like such a slacker! I’m getting work done slowly but surely, writing my paper and an ethics application for my post-doc and taking things relatively chilled. I totally forgot that I had the outcomes of abstracts I had submitted due sometime around now. When the emails came, it took me a moment to figure out what they were for!
The first email I got was title “Rejection Notification” – I felt the punch to my stomach before reading that it was for the abstract I had drafted but never completed because I didn’t want to submit it, but the system would let me delete it. Oops. Okay, well that email got deleted because even though I knew that I never actually submitted that abstract, I didn’t like that I had a rejection sitting in my inbox.
The next email came as an acceptance for one of my abstracts (that I actually completed) for an oral presentation. Excellent! I felt validated, finally, some evidence from outside my research group that the main focus of my PhD work might actually be of interest to people! Yay! Then that happy feeling turned into a bit of a sinking one…
The delay to the emails triggered my thinking, I knew that my other completed abstract was going to be a poster presentation. I could see the pattern of the emails and this abstract I was waiting for an outcome for was numbered before the one that had been accepted as a presentation. Lo and behold, 5 minutes later than email came through. Now, I know I should be happy. Two abstracts accepted for one conference, an oral presentation and a poster is excellent! Especially after the year or so we’ve been through.
Urgh – I really need to learn to control my brain. I should be disappointed with a poster presentation. That’s still an acceptance. All I can keep thinking is that I really need to stop being so hard on myself or I’m going to miss out on celebrating the achievements I’m making. I read a quote, maybe it was a tweet (probably?), which went something along the lines of: while you’re so busy trying to make it to the top, it’s easy to forget to enjoy the view from where you are. (If anyone is reading and knows what I am on about please let me know!) That quote/sentiment sums me right up. I’m always so busy looking at what I’m working to achieve, that I forget to actually see and value the work I’ve done and the achievements I’ve made along the way.
In the end, it doesn’t matter that other people may have got two or even three oral presentations at the conference. That is great (and I wish them the very best for their presentations), but other people’s achievements don’t take away from mine. We are each on our own journey and should recognise and be proud of our own successes.
See, I *can* be rational about it…it’s just tough when there’s emotion all caught up in there too. Knowledge is half the battle right? Well, that’s what I’m telling myself. Baby steps are still steps forward and to be honest, I am just a little proud of myself right now. Hopefully, that little will become a lot when it sinks in more!
Shruti's PhD 